Revealing Yourself

It's tricky, liberating, painful, comfortable, and uncomfortable all at once.

Sometimes I do my deep thinking in the shower. My mind wanders a lot, but the shower is one of the few places where I feel like I can actually connect my thoughts cohesively without too many distractions.

Too bad there's no laptop in the shower.

As I've been trying to type this, I've had one eye on my toddler--trying to keep him out of the rabbit pen at one point and watching him cover himself in mud the next. I've wanted to write this down for several weeks now, so we'll see if I can get my shower-inspired thoughts together well enough in toddler-supervising mode. Continually dealing with artist/writing/mother/life overwhelm over here! So many ideas, so little time and energy.

This year has been all about my creative journey and finding my voice as both an artist and a writer. I've been a stay-at-home mom for almost nine years, and though I've always found outlets for my creativity, it felt like I was still putting the artistic/writing part of me "on hold." I'm happy to say that I feel like I'm the right path with reawakening those aspects of myself and making both a part of my life. Even though trying to figure out the balance between everything I want and need to do is rough at times (read: super impossible rough), I at least feel like a whole person again.

Recently I've been making a series of what I've been calling "Peel and Reveal" art pieces. I have a clean, blank page, paint on an image with masking fluid, cover the page with an ink design, then peel off the masking fluid to reveal the image. As I've been thinking of this process of peeling away to reveal a surprisingly crisp, white image, a quote that I ran across years ago came to mind. I've tried so hard to find the actual quote, in vain, but the basic idea of it goes something like this:

Perhaps the whole purpose of self-discovery isn't trying to become who the world is trying to tell you to be. Maybe instead, self-discovery is peeling away all the layers the world has been telling you to put on and discovering who you've always been.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4VZG50LuX0

Sound familiar to anyone? It seems a little awkward how I wrote it, so I'd love the exact quote and the source. It resonated so deeply with me though, and the concept still does. I've thought about it quite a bit, and how for years I've tried to become a different person because of silly assumptions and loud voices. But now as I'm ridding myself of those layers and settling back into who is genuinely me--including my strengths and talents and my weaknesses and what I lack--I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I feel more authentic, and I feel more confident in creating the life I desire.

This concept of revealing myself isn't always more comfortable though. It has caused me to need to be more vulnerable and to stretch myself. Sometimes the peeling process is freeing and lightening; other times it's plain painful.

And really, the process is just that--a process. For all of us! We're all searching for ways to be more true to who are-- to be happier, to contribute, to be seen, to love and be loved. If we could all keep that closer to the front of our minds, maybe we'd all be a little kinder to others and ourselves as we make mistakes along the way on this amazing journey called life.

Also, I just have to share that I've hit a few landmarks this month. I made a Youtube channel (as you can see). I've had several sales, both prints and original pieces (eek!). But the most significant victory for me of all is completing a project that has been THREE AND A HALF YEARS in the making (I use the word "complete" very loosely, as it's still part of an ongoing project with no end in sight at the moment).

With all the excitement, there's still so much to do, and I've had just as many "Oh crap, what a fail!" moments too. There's also this weird sensation of sliding backward sometimes without figuring out how to get my grip. It might be trying to do too much at once or focusing so much on the big project that other things have slipped through the cracks. Either way, this week I've been reminding myself that a life with passion and lots (LOTS!) of failures is better than a life without them.

It's all such a grand adventure, isn't it?